Memoirs of an Adventurer

Alaska=12 Col. Foster=17 Split's Alaskan Adventure Part 1

2006-10-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

My good friend Colonel Split Foster recently arrived in a dirigible to experience first hand the challenges that Alaska has to offer. Though he suffered some bruises and setbacks, I am glad to report that he came out on top in the end. There were many adventures had and many tales to tell, so I will only report a few here. Firstly, we made it our goal to circumnavigate the grand expanse of the Eklutna lake. We did so in kayaks in 38 degree water with healthy winds and rain. In waters this cold, submersion means death. There is a 50% chance that you can swim 50 feet in water 12 degrees warmer. There would be no swimming if we were to fall into this glacial pool. In fact, upon our arrival we passed a man on the shore who had just been rescued out of the chilled lake after his vessel had been capsized by high waves. Upon hitting the water his muscles had seized and he was unable to move. Luckily, there were trained rescuers nearby. While the trip was recreational at heart, it readied Col. Foster and steeled him against some of the challenges he would face while in the Great Land. After an exquisite day of boating, we moved back to dry land at the request of the lubberly Foster. We decided our next goal was to hike the bear-infested lands of the Falls Creek Canyon in search of mussella lasiocarpa, or the Golden Lotus Banana, which had been rumored to have been spotted in the region and which happened to be one of Split's all-time favorite fruit bearing shrubs. While hiking in the area we made sure to make constant noise so as to not sneak up behind any large ursidae family members and spook them into an attack. We must have done an adequate job as we did not spot any large land mammals that day, though we did see a few ovis dalli dalli on the mountain top. At this point I will have to end this letter, as there are more pressing things at hand, such as winterizing all of our expeditionary equipment. I will write to you next week and conclude Col. Foster's tale. Until next week, I must bid you adieu.

Your faithful friend,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

Northern Encounter

2006-09-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

Greetings and Salutations my friends,

I recently headed a solo research expedition to Port Clarence, Alaska in order to observe muskox (Ovibos moschatus) in their natural habitat for a book (my 12th) that I am starting. The idea came to me quite late in the season, so I was very fortunate that the weather was nothing short of picturesque for the week that I was there. I left in a commercial plane, as there are no roads in existence that go to any of my destinations and my ship is still being overhauled after last winter's ice fiasco, at 0817 on the morning of August 27th and arrived in Nome, Alaska at 1052 on the same day. I quickly chartered a bush pilot to take me and drop me off at the desolate and largely uninhabited region of Port Clarence, population approximately 23. We (the pilot and I) departed in a Piper Navajo at 1105 and arrived at the deserted landing strip at Port Clarence at 1135. After being dropped off with my gear I began my journey to photograph and observe these beautiful creatures in their natural surroundings. My first objective was to find or make shelter. After scanning the peninsula, I was fortunate enough to find an inhabitable abandoned cabin circa 1807 built and then vacated by a pioneering Russian trapper. With that done I turned towards the herd that was just visible at the far end of the peninsula. After hiking the mostly permafrost terrain (mottled with patches of quicksand) for a few miles, I began advancing towards the herd. That first day was difficult as I had to gain the trust of the herd before I could approach. Luckily I had recently written a book on the subject, Gaining the Trust of Wild Animals, A 47 Step Guide to Better Bestial Bonding, so I was up to date on all my animal observation techniques. After a week I was able to fully introduce myself into their environment. At that point I was allowed to observe them in their surroundings just as another tree, rock, or blade of grass. This enabled me to take extraordinary notes, sketches, and photographs. The following weeks were a beautiful symphony of amicable animal education. I have enclosed a few of the snapshots for your enjoyment, although I would most appreciate it if you did not share them as some will be included in my forthcoming Muskox Monograph. The Society of Independently Wealthy Voyagers will be holding a book signing gala for it in February of 2008. Please attend if possible; it shall most certainly be grand. The next picture showcases a preteen progeny in the right hand side of the frame. Capturing one of these adolescent animals on film is actually quite rare as the defensive instinct of the muskox herd is to circle up with the young on the inside at the first sign of danger. Luckily I was, as I have explained, of no more consequence to them than the breeze and was able to obtain the impressive image. After my studies were through I notified the bush pilot via smoke signals that I desired to return home. After two uneventful flights I arrived in Anchorage just in time to get ready for my most recent house-guest, Split Foster. More about that at a later date. Living among the muskox has impressed me with the desire to exist as peacefully as they. I enjoyed the langourous afternoons with nothing but the wind, birds, and beast to break the silence. I shall surely return some-day, but for now I must prepare for more adventure to come!

Thy humble and obedient servant,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

Wanted

2006-09-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings,

I am writing this short letter to warn you of a very dangerous man. The scalawag pictured here is wanted for horse theiving, desecration of state parks, and occasionally cheating at Uno. He also has voiced many desires to stab someone "in front of people; in the daytime." If this man is hitchiking on a road near you, avoid at all costs. If you do not heed my words, you will rue the day you crossed paths with the ever dangerous Steep "Daydreamer" Cliff. You have now had my warning about this scofflaw, and I hope we shall not have to speak of any further unpleasantries.

Offended,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

Fotos From Frozen Fingers

2006-08-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

This summer I took time to explore more of this arctic land I have come to inhabit. The subject of the enclosed pictures is "Alaskan Wild." It has been suggested I open a gallery, but it has also been suggested I enter the Nathan's Deli hotdog eating contest. I am not altogether certain which suggestion was serious. In this picture you can see me at the bottom-center of the frame ladling fresh drinking water from a glacial pool to soothe my parched throat after the arduous journey to get to this point. The rather significant frozen river just behind me is the Matanuska Glacier. This particular glacier is four miles wide and twenty-four miles long. It is an active glacier which advances on an average of one foot per day and will not shy away from crushing any unaware tourist who is fortunate enough to have survived the trip to it.

Here I can be seen skillfully picking my path through underfoot treachery to follow the glacial stream that carved its way to my aforementioned watering hole. Traversing endless expanses of ice is extremely difficult. I do not recommend any unseasoned explorers try without first undergoing extensive training. Another option would be to read my upcoming book which will be published next spring entitled, Traversing Endless Expanses of Ice: Keeping Cool in the Face of an Icy Death. More about that later. I have been nowhere else in the world that offers the kind of dynamic landscapes and photographic opportunities that Alaska does. If my adventuring spirit and profession did not demand that I move on at some time, I would likely stay here forever. As it is, I certainly have enough to explore and keep me busy in the meantime. There are rumours from the East that Colonel Split Foster may be contacting me shortly about a joint endeavor to some remote spot of wilderness in these Northern Territories. I can only await his expected proposition with swelling anticipation. I have not seen Col. Foster for nigh on two years. Our last adventure involved trains, boats, and fine cigars. I expect nothing less this time and know I will not be dissapointed.

I have enclosed my top three selections for the picture that will grace the cover of my newest book. I am fondest of the last one in the series. Please let me know your opinion, as it matters greatly to me.

Forever in your service,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

enc:

SCANDAL ROCKS THE OVERSTRATTEN HOUSE!

2006-08-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

My writings as of late have been regrettably few as I have been entrenched in what would turn out to be a very tiring legal battle. I was sitting on my veranda in early March of this year admiring the lines of the newly fallen snow when I was handed a letter by my postman. The stock of the envelope and the set of the type conveyed a sense of urgency. I opened it immediately. To my utmost confusion and horror the parchment informed me that I was being brought up on charges of assault as if I were a common vagabond! Enclosed with the dispatch was a single grainy photograph of a man (apparently posing as yours truly) brazenly punching a young homeless woman in the teeth. I have enclosed said snapshot for your expected amazement.

Note the unintelligent eyes, the Neanderthaloid ridged brow, and the animal-like pleasure this monster derives from striking this poor unfortunate street person. Mark the ungroomed chin-beard and the wildly unkempt hair. Obviously this was a case of mistaken identity. I immediatley penned my lawyer, Dr. Chesterton of Wales, and told him of my predicament.

After numerous court appearances and countless character references from the likes of Col. Split Foster, Mario Lemieux, and others it was finally time to hear from the unfortunate street urchin with the broken jaw. After much legal bantering and badgering of the witness, the poor hobo finally broke and pointed to a huddled figure in the rear of the Courtroom. "OK, OK," she said,"He put me up to it! He did it all!" All eyes in the room flew to the shrouded man who immediately leapt onto a segway in all its single-axeled glory and gave a hearty laugh. Before he could be stopped he flew by the bailiffs and was out the door! I do not and may not ever know why he tried to frame me, but Vice President Dick Cheney, I will have my revenge!

Coming Soon!

2006-08-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

That's right my friends, a complete and several page summary of my latest summer expeditions is shortly forthcoming! Biscuits!

Post Script: Contrary to popular belief, there are no penguins in Alaska. This picture, sent by reader Ken Merman of Kotzebue, Alaska, is a hoax. Mr. Merman, you are a mountebank and a cad.

Hunting Trip

2006-02-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

Tut tut, it looks like rain...

I apologize for being incommunicado for this past month, but it could not be helped as I had hired a seaplane and flew to Kodiak Island to hunt wolverines. I confess that at the time I was not aware of Kodiak being a wildlife refuge. I also had not been informed that Kodiak, like much of Alaska, is mostly rainforest. Unfortunately I was not prepared for the overly damp conditions and my first two letters to you, my friends, existed as ink-run soggy balls of pulp. My apologies.

Kodiak, beautiful Kodiak, is the second largest island in the United States, and quite possibly the least paved. On foot from here, Patsy! My party and I trudged deep into the Kodiak wilderness, unafraid because it was too late in the season for the island's enormous bears to be awake. Unfortunately, the trip was mostly a waste, as poor weather and jungle foot quickly got the better of my less seasoned companions. Fortunately we lost a mere three, none of which was the pilot.

The return flight to Anchorage was uneventful. Feeling a bit let down at the relative inactivity of the Kodiak Expedition, I have planned a brief haitus to Seward for a helping of fresh Halibut & Chips. Grand!

Forever in your service,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

MADNESS!

2006-01-30T19:02:00.000-08:00

Cabin fever has taken hold. I am extremely concerned about my mate. How will I sail if her madness increases? I have enclosed a picture of her in asylum. This is a critical time, I hope the next few weeks bring postive news. I shall keep you informed.

Yours as always,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

Aground!

2006-01-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

Returning too late, the inlet had frozen over and we were forced to make the last part of the journey on foot. Extinguish one lantern, Mr. Revere, and grab an ice pick.

We had made it as far as the Turnagain Arm and would have to hike the rest of the way. We left the ship where it had come to rest on a large ice drift, grabbed as many provisions as we could and headed toward Anchorage (See below map for geographical reference).

The weather was windy and cold with snow blowing in our faces, partially blinding us. The first mate and I counted up our rations and decided we had two days at best to get to Anchorage before resorting to eating the weak and young. Disgusting. We had to scale the mountains and get to Anchorage in a hurry. Perhaps if the crew was too tired to mutiny, we would be safe. I only hoped we were going the right direction. The ship's compass had broken and I had slept through my celestial navigation classes at Eton. Ah, the disgrace if Professor Higgins could see me now. We stayed the night on the ship and had an uneasy rest before starting the next day.

As the sun rose the following morne we set out, leaving the ship until the spring's thaw. Scaling those Chugach Mountains in winter was quite an undertaking, but I saw a way. All over those beatuiful mountains were gushing waterfalls in the spring and summer, which meant glorious ice pillars in the winter. Beautiful, maiden ice. We ascended the waterfalls! With only a few slips, one lost sailor, and a very cold camp that night we made it to the Port of Anchorage-- we had done it! And now I sit and recount this tale to you from a smoky tavern with a winsome lass and a pint of the local brew. I only hope this message reaches you, as all the navigable waterways are frozen solid. I have enclosed a few photographs of my ship's mate and myself on the day of the Great Endeavor. I pray this dispatch finds you well and in good spirits.

Regards,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV

Volcanoes On Ice

2006-01-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, well. Tonight I find myself in Homer. A little snow, a little wind, and a little ash. I come here to witness eruption of Mt. Augustine, which has recently been a very active volcano in the region. The snowfall is hard to discern from the ashfall; I should not be breathing this. As I arrived a fishing vessel from Nikiski struck the gangway I was to walk on and made my trips to and fro our ship reminiscent of a funhouse room. Simply perilous. My companion and native guide/harbor pilot for this journey has what appears to be a broken rib and we have had to make many unscheduled stops for pain. We do not have the time; I sense the crew is growing restless and we must return before the home port is frozen over. I have heard rumors that it is snowing north of us in great amounts-- this could be detrimental to our return plans, however positive for the Iditarod. Perhaps we shall take the sled out of mothballs. I received the stink-eye from one of the natives as I commented on the state of the gangway. My guide warns me he has seen that look before with negative results. I am currently locked away in my cabin writing by the light of a whale blubber candle. Hard to say if the aurora is active tonight for my windows have iced over. Welcome to Alaska.

Cheers,

Michodius Von Overstratten IV